Moving on to bigger and better things. I have a new blog now:

http://pureinstinct24.wordpress.com/

No longer is it a livejournal full of "hey this is what i did today and i'm going to be angsty about it." Nah. This is more philosophical. This is more scientific. This is more instinctual. It's a forum for discussion and for ideas to blossom. In short, it's my outlook on life, my philosophies on the meaning of many of life's trivialities, and a bit on what inspires me both as a scientist and as a human being.

Check it out. I'd welcome any and all comments that you'd have to offer.

Today's the big day.

Wish me luck.

It smelled like fall this morning.

Hey all. I have just come back from my trip to CA, and it was a lot of fun. I visited Davis, Sacramento, and San Francisco. In Davis, I was able to check out my new apartment, get a Cali driver's license, register to vote in Cali, head out to the AMAZING farmer's market, and visit the university. I'm on my way to establishing residency, and it's not an easy task. However, I like it there a lot. Everybody is so amazingly nice and mellow in Davis. It's like nowhere else...seriously. I also bought this ridiculously comfy mattress and started to check out IKEA for furniture etc. I got a lot done.

San Fran was more of a vacation spot, but I turned out not to like it too much. It was overcast and raining for most of the time, and it was cold for the summer time. Mom and I headed out to Fisherman's Wharf, explored Chinatown, and went to Muir Woods, which was the most amazing place ever. It's like a really upscale Walden Pond...but like 1,000 times better. It was just fantastic.

So, I'm feeling a lot more comfortable about my situation and grad school. The other thing I've started to do is my NSF pre-doc proposal. If I'm super lucky and actually win, I will have funding for my entire graduate career. I'm not so hopeful about it, though, because it's super hard to win one of these grants.

Just to share, if anyone is either entering or contemplating grad school, I seriously recommend this book:

Getting What You Came For: The Smart Student's Guide to Earning an M.A. or PhD

In other news, Ben is visiting tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm excited, can you tell? :D

Thesis: check

Done and done.

Now all that's left is my defense on May 12th, and I'm fuckin set, yo.

So apparently we have some visitors in our food drawer. Ben discovered a baggie that had some chew marks in it. I suspect it might be an overgrown bedbug that may have been mutated by the pesticides we put down., but on a more practical level, Ben suspects a furry creature in the form of a mouse. I was kinda freaked out at first, but I find it kinda cute. Rest assured that this little guy has very refined taste, mind you. Out of all the food items in the house, he decided to eat my expensive imported German chocolate bar. I find this all very amusing. It reminds me of the mouse from Ratatoullie. Maybe he's a little chef!

Ah life.

Hey guys...I'm looking for one more commencement ticket. Anyone have one to spare?

Hello! I have just returned to the island from passover in Buffalo, which was a good time. I didn't get much done, mind you, but I like vacation, so it was nice. I also drove on the thruway for the first time in my life, and it really wasn't all that bad. It made me a better driver, actually, which is a good thing.

I have also secured a job for myself this summer at the vet's office near my house. Working Monday - Friday, 3:00pm - 8:00pm, $9.00 an hour, June 1 - Sept 1. I should have about $2700 saved up by the end of the summer to head out to Cali with. About $500 of that will go towards a new laptop as well. So that's life. I've been looking for a place to live out in Davis, which is proving to be ok. I e-mailed a girl, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet, which doesn't give me much hope for that situation. And I have to sell my furniture. Anyone want a dresser? I only used it for a year, and it's in terrific condition. Also, anyone want a tv? It's small, and it has a VCR (yes, old school). It's also relatively new and in excellent working condition.

Other than that, no news to report. I miss everyone! Hope you all are having a good break! :D

I got into UC Davis today! And that's where I'm goin. There's lots of planning to be done.

Wow, today is freakin gorgeous! I demand you all get outside and enjoy it. Go take a walk or eat lunch outside or something. I might do both. :D

Rock on, spring. Rock on.

Well, my 2 weeks of hell are over! I just turned in my last paper and proceeded to watch 2 episodes of Scrubs (my new love). Now all that's left is editing my drafts into final projects, which should not be as stressful as writing them in the first place. This is really the first time in two months that I feel good. I feel free and finally not overburdened with crap to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely finished, but I'm not swamped either.

I've also kind of resigned myself to not getting into grad school this time around. But honestly, I'm not disappointed. I was having a lot of trouble deciding whether it was actually what I wanted to do. Instead, I have been job searching. I think my next move is to go home for a little while and re-gather my strength. I have been looking for vet tech jobs at local vet clinics near my house, so I can have a job while I'm at home and save up some money for my next step. Who knows? If I like it, maybe the right thing for me will ultimately be vet school. I don't know what direction I'm going to go in, but the only thing to do is get out there and try stuff so that I can figure it out. We'll see I suppose. Maybe living at home and not paying rent will allow me to afford a car finally, which I do need at this point in my life.

My parents are coming up to visit next weekend and hear me play in the orchestra. This Thursday is the concert at Brandeis (it's free, as part of the Festival of the Arts, and I believe it starts at 8pm in Slosberg, if anyone's interested). I also have a Sunday concert at Wellesley which is the one my family will come to. Then, it's passover break! Yay! I'm looking forward to a much needed vacation.

Also, as a random aside, Chris and I were out on Saturday night waiting for the Branvan when all of a sudden, this red pick-up truck drives past us. Now, normally I wouldn't be bothered by this, but in the back of the truck was a shitload of bread products. Like, more bread than you could ever imagine having. It's like they broke into a Peppridge Farm factory and stole everything inside. The back of the truck was completely full of it. Anyway, I thought that was highly amusing, and I'm sorry that I didn't have my camera with me.

Well, long time no post I suppose. I've been seriously busy as of late. Had 2 presentations and a proposal due last week, then this week I had my thesis draft due yesterday and a 5 page paper due Sunday night. Needless to say, I've been freaking out a little bit. My discussion section for my thesis did not come out as well as I had hoped because I guess I am lacking guidance from my advisor in that domain. He's not even in the country now. I feel stuck. I mean, I sent him the draft, so I'm sure he'll mark it up, but I want to get this stupid thing done already. It's weighing on me.

Things on the grad school front are in stasis as well. I am wait listed at both Brown and UC Davis, and have been rejected everywhere else thusfar. Brown I probably don't have much of a shot at, but I am one of the next 2 people to receive a fellowship at Davis. So if 2 people decline the offer they got to come to Davis, then I will get an offer. If not, I guess I go home and look for a job. I don't know what I would do with my life really, which is upsetting me. This is the first time in my life where I do not have a plan, and I guess I don't operate well under these conditions.

Just keep moving forward, I guess. Nothing else to really do but that.

I feel good today! And it's because I drank caffeine for the first time in forever:

"Many have found that caffeine will actually help depression...Caffeine affects chemicals in the brain just like any other drug. Depression, for some, is due to chemicals imbalances of serotonin and dopamine. Caffeine sparks up neurotransmitters, serotonin and dopamine and makes them come alive. Neurotransmitters are what make nerve cells communicate and when they are affected by caffeine, they respond faster. Since they are able to act faster, the neurotransmitter, acetylcholine helps with short-term memory. Many find that when they drink coffee they become more alert and able to concentrate better and that is because of this process."

For more, check out this blog: Caffeine for Depression: Drink Coffee

Tea is good too. :)

I saw a couple of robins today on the hill going from south street up to the health center. That always has signaled spring for me. Maybe it's coming soon! It's just really nice to see that bright orange plumage against the white snow.

Hey all! I'm out on a UCLA adventure tomorrow, and I am damn excited about it. I have a really good feeling about these California schools...the weather is beautiful, the campuses are green, and the surrounding areas just seem like they will be a comfortable fit for my personality. Plus, the grad students who have emailed me seem really nice so far. I'm psyched. 9 hour travel day tomorrow...will be arriving around 5:30pm UCLA time. I'll be back on Sunday at 12:30am, and definitely dead tired by Monday. Until then, hit up the cell, because computer access may limited. Just remember -- if you do decide to surprise me and call...I'll be 3 hours ahead of you. :D

Ok, I am feeling much better now. The interviews are over, and I think that they went pretty well, if I do say so myself. Two of the four profs I interviewed with seemed quite interested in what I had to say (one of them being Ruth, of course). I got a massive pile of papers to read, and I even got invited to a symposium on animal communication! It's in Oregon in the summer, and depending on where I go to grad school, I may or may not attend. The other two interviews were ok, but not stellar (one of them I don't think counted very much because she wasn't even in the psych department).

So once the interviews were over we had a campus tour, and then back to the inn for an hour of down time. Then there was dinner with the faculty and current grad students where I proceeded to talk to Ruth for yet another hour and a half. lol. She likes to talk. We basically were talking about dogs and canine communication the whole time, and it was pretty glorious. The grad students then took us out to a bar, and there wasn't much room for all of us to be there, so a group of girls and I went out to Tealuxe and grabbed some tea, then headed back to the inn. All in all, once the interviews were done with, I was a much happier person. And I made some friends. And it was good.

So, not sure how I feel about Brown right now. I think I'll have to sit on it and ponder for a bit. We'll see what happens with Davis and UCLA.

Tomorrow catching an Amtrak and should be home by 1. I'm excited. :)

Wow. I mean, wow. I just had one of the most hectic days of my life. Woke up at 7:30, finished packing, got to campus by 9. Took the 11:30 commuter rail (which was 20 minutes late) into Porter Sq, then the red line into south station. Had a 45 minute Amtrak ride into Providence, then took a cab to the inn. Immediately thereafter, I found the psychology building (which wasn't too far away) and had an hour and a half of interview.

Holy shit.

Impressions. Well, I'm not sure that I like it as much as I thought I might. The campus is not really a campus...it's more of a street. Kinda like BU, which I'm not entirely comfortable with. Also, Ruth's lab is TINY. Like, hard to fit more than one person in it, tiny. Which leaves me with the question of, well, where would I work? I just...sometimes don't get good vibes or a good gut feeling from someplace, and that's what I'm feeling about Providence. I could not see myself here for 5 years working in that lab. Man, I'm even having second thoughts about grad school. Maybe I should take a year or two off. I just feel completely overwhelmed and completely confused as to what I want out of life. Don't we all? If I were to take time off, where the hell would I go? What would I do? Where is life about to take me? I can't really do much with a BA in psychology, so I have to get an advanced degree at some point in my life. Maybe California will be different. But honestly? I just really want to stay with Ben. That's what I want right now. I hope that this can happen, but know in the back of my mind that it probably will not, which I'm taking pretty hard.

All I really want is to be home right now in my own bed. That would be a good start. Can't wait till Sunday.

Today I found a lone ladybug crawling on the window in my office. We had an over abundance of them over the summer, but when winter came, they departed. To find one today, the day before my interview, is something special...especially because it is still winter outside. So, I took it to be a message:

"Lady bugs with their bright red shells and black spots carry the magic of rebirth. Red and black are the colors of thoughts and manifestation. Often Ladybug will appear to us when we have an opportunity to succeed, grow, and start something new. All of the beetle family transforms from larvae to adult, showing us we too can transform our lives."

I can do this. Fear cannot dominate my life anymore. I will go and I will succeed.

She is my good luck charm. :)

"Think of a car driving through the night. The headlights only go a hundred to two hundred feet forward, and you can make it all the way from California to New York driving through the dark, because all you have to see is the next two hundred feet. And that's how life tends to unfold before us. If we just trust that the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, and the next two hundred feet will unfold after that, your life will keep unfolding. And it will eventually get you to the destination of whatever it is you truly want, because you want it."

Donald Owings, one of the professors who I interviewed with at UC Davis, was in yesterday's Science Times section. I think that's pretty damn cool if I do say so myself:

Check it out....very short article